


Regret

by lordofheaven



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 06:01:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4008571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordofheaven/pseuds/lordofheaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean let his friend go. He desperately tried to stop the inevitable, but all of his efforts were in vain. Unintentionally, he led his best friend to his death, and now he lives with nothing but regret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regret

_hoo hoo_

The leaves rustled gently as the wind blew through the trees.

_hoo hoo_

Aside from the piercing owl calls, the silence was overwhelming and the sun slowly rose for the break of day.

_hoo hoo_

The screeches of the owl faded away as night [disappeared](http://mishycollins.co.vu/post/90714362153/regret#) and light [streamed](http://mishycollins.co.vu/post/90714362153/regret#)down to the forest floor.

Dean’s eyes opened, almost bloodshot, his eyelids heavy. It only took him a few seconds to remember where he was. And why.

He grimaced as the memories came flooding back to him, despite his efforts to block them. He attempted to stand on his feet, only to end up back on his knees, hunched over and out of breath. 

Footsteps approached from behind, and Dean jumped up when he heard the crack of a fallen stick.

“Sam?” Dean coughed. It pained him to speak. He felt sick to his stomach, and fell back to the ground, resting his head on a nearby pile of leaves.

Sam inched towards his brother and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you alright, Dean?” he asked, already knowing the answer to his own question. His voice was shaky, but strong enough to ensure that this was not the first time Dean ran away.

“I can’t— it’s my f— he’s gone.” It was difficult to form a [complete](http://mishycollins.co.vu/post/90714362153/regret#) sentence with thoughts flowing through his head faster than he was able to speak.

“Try not to talk,” Sam urged. He grew more and more worried about Dean. He’s been running off for months and every time he went missing, there was also a noticeable amount of alcohol missing from the bunker.

“Let’s get you home, you need to sleep,” Sam insisted, but when he started to[pull](http://mishycollins.co.vu/post/90714362153/regret#) Dean up, Dean gently pushed him away with what little strength he had left.

“I slept all night, I’m fine.”

Sam muffled a short laugh, “Fine? You don’t look fine to me Dean, and lying on the forest floor for a few hours is not what I call a good night’s sleep.”

“I told you I slept all night.”  
  
“Considering you were still at home when I went to bed at 1:00, I sincerely doubt that,” Sam retorted sternly.

“There was an owl,” Dean said as his eyes closed and a tear escaped down his cheek.

Sam froze. After a few moments, he took his hands and ran them down his face from his eyes to his mouth.

“That’s why I tell you not to come out here, Dean. It’s better to just forget,”

“You might be able to just forget about what happened Sam, but it’s not so easy for me,” Dean snapped. “I just miss him,” he admitted, his anger dying away as quickly as it came. Even though it’s been nearly a year, he can’t help but still feel like a part of him is missing. A part of him he can never get back.

“And you think I don’t? We both lost him Dean,” Sam responded, a slightly irritated tone to his voice.

“And we both loved him,” he added, hesitantly.

Dean stared at Sam, insulted, and Sam looked away. He knew there were two different kinds of love. Sam just wanted Dean to know that he wasn’t the only one upset by the death.

Dean inhaled, his breath quivering as he let it go. “I should never have let him go. And I have to deal with that guilt for the rest of my life. Not you, not anyone else. Me”

“I unders—”

“No, no you don’t understand!” Dean interrupted. “You don’t know what’s it’s like to watch someone you care deeply about wander to their death and know it’s your fault. I felt so helpless. Hell, I  _still_  feel helpless. He told me he would come back. I should have known it was all an act. He was determined to close the gates of Heaven at any cost, to [save](http://mishycollins.co.vu/post/90714362153/regret#) his family, and he knew I wouldn’t let him go if it meant that he wasn’t coming back. God, I’m so fucking stupid. It’s always on my mind—  _he’s_  always on my mind. And the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach every time I think about what happened? That will never go away. You want to know why? Because he promised to stay if I insisted. He promised to never leave my side as long as I needed him there. But that son of a bitch made me feel sorry him. He made me want to do everything in my power to help him feel like he was worth something. Like he was so much more than all of his mistakes. He told me he needed to do something right for a change, so I let him go. I let him finally have an opportunity to feel good about himself for once in his life. But I only did it because he sa— he told me he’d come ba— back,” Dean stammered and paused. He took a deep breath, exhaling sharply, and finished. “So don’t tell me you understand because you don’t.” Dean’s face was bright red and his eyes filled with fresh tears. He backed into a tree and slid down until he felt the damp ground beneath him.

Sam simply nodded his head and sat down next to his brother.

Thirty minutes of silence passed and for that time, both boys sat still, feeling the light breeze under the shade of the trees, which blocked out the hot sun. 

Sam has been trying to choose the right moment to start speaking again, and decided it was time to say what has been on his mind for the past half hour.

"Would you like to say goodbye?”

“What?” Dean asked, startled by the sudden break of silence.

“You’ve been running away for months now. But every time, every single time, I find you here. Only a few feet from the edge of the forest. You haven’t gone …  _there._ You haven’t been  _near_ there since it happened. I know I said it’s better to forget, but I’ve just been thinking that it might be about time you went back. And this time, you tell him what you told me. You need to get it off your chest and move on with your life Dean. It’s fine to miss him, and I know you will always love him, but he’d want you to live your life with a smile on your face and do what you want to do, and just enjoy yourself. He would hate to see you like this.”

"He’s gone Sam, how do you expect me to talk to him?” Dean solemnly asked.

“Well,” Sam slowly started, concerned that Dean seemed to have ignored most of what he said. “Sometimes it works just to know he’s listening. You just have to believe he can hear you, and he’s still around. Somewhere.”

Dean thought about what his brother said for a moment and nodded his head in agreement. “Ok,” he said, standing up, ready to go. “I think you may be right. I need to say goodbye.”

Sam sighed in relief and stood up to follow Dean, who was already at least ten feet in front of him.

By the time they reached the center of the forest, the sunlight dimmed as clouds began to appear overhead. Sam looked up to feel a drop or two of rain fall on his face. Dean did not take his gaze away from the large tree in front of him. It was still charred, the last remnants of the events that took place on that dreadful day. He stepped forward and reached out his hand to touch the tree. Barely an inch away, he pulled his shaking hand back and sighed. He swallowed and started to talk.

“Cas?” He paused, as if hoping for some sort of answer. He shook his head in frustration, but continued.

“Cas, buddy. I know this is stupid, but man if you can hear me, I want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for agreeing to let you go on this suicide mission. I should have offered to help, I should have insisted that you don’t do this alone. You will never know how painful it was to come here and see what happened. To see your trenchcoat here but not you. To glance up and see that damn owl, with the piercing blue eyes, and think, for a split second, that it was you. That somehow you survived. I will never get rid of how I feel, and I know I will never be the same. Because you didn’t have to do this, and it was my fault for not fighting you enough. But the biggest regret I have is not saying the one thing that has been on my mind since the moment I met you.

I love you.

And you mean the world to me. You always have and you always will. That is why I will never be happy, because you never knew what you meant to me and you never will. Goodbye Cas. And know that you are worth so much more, you are so much more important, than you gave yourself credit for.” 

Dean finished his speech and gave a sigh of relief. He looked up, his face wet with a mixture of tears and rain, and saw the owl.

The same owl with the familiar blue eyes, staring at Dean through the pouring rain.

_hoo hoo_

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing anything, so it's short and uneventful. But I thought I would publish it anyway to get my feet wet with this whole writing thing.


End file.
